Why You Might Be Consciously Self-Sabotaging
Conscious self-sabotage is, well, sabotaging yourself consciously - you’re intentionally doing something you know you shouldn’t be doing, or you’re stopping yourself from making adequate and substantial progress. To understand how this works, we need to first understand the connection between core beliefs, anxiety, and unpredictability.
Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are beliefs we think about ourselves, other people, or the world around us. They’re basically the “blueprints” for assessing and understanding our experiences. Because of this, core beliefs, usually or typically, are developed in childhood or by the early experiences of something (so typically this is in childhood, but sometimes this can also be something new that happens in your young adult years, as well). Here are some examples of positive and negative core beliefs: *Please note that these are not the ONLY core beliefs out there and they’re exaggerated examples for educational purposes.
Positive Core Beliefs:
● Belief About Yourself: If you had positive experiences with your parents and/or caregivers with plenty of interaction, you may develop the belief “I’m lovable and worthy of love from others.”
● Belief About Others: If you were surrounded by positive relationship examples, you might develop the belief “Others around me are trustworthy.”
● Belief About the World Around You: If you weren’t exposed to war or tragedy, you may develop the core belief “The world around me is safe.”
Negative Core Beliefs:
● Belief About Yourself: If you had negative experiences with parents and/or caregivers abandoning you, you may develop the core belief “I’m unlovable and unworthy of love from others to blame for what happened to me.”
● Belief About Others: If you were abused or witnessed abuse, you may develop the core belief “No one is trustworthy.”
● Belief About the World Around You: If you are exposed to war either first-hand or second-hand in your childhood, you may develop the core belief “The world around me is unsafe.”
The Hell You Know vs. The Hell OR Heaven You Don’t Know
So our early experiences form our core beliefs which are what help us to make assumptions about the world and process our experiences. Even when we have negative core beliefs, we typically normalize them, especially if they’ve happened over and over again. And when we normalize something, we say “Hey, this always happens.
I’m familiar with this. This is OK. This seems right.” So we begin forming a place to refer to as the “The Hell We Know.” It’s safe here… why? Because even if it’s bad, or what you’re experiencing has been consistently bad, we know what’s going to happen. We know how to navigate it. Thus, this place gives the illusion of safety, even though it’s not safety; it’s predictability disguised as safety.
Anxiety, by its simple definition, is a fear of the unknown.
So we make these associations in our brain that something predictable = good and something unpredictable = bad / there are a million and one ways that this can go wrong, which is why even hearing “The Heaven We Don’t Know” still doesn’t sound that great because it’s still unpredictable, so it’s probably bad.
We also like to think of things being “right for us” as things that are good and feel good, while things that are “not right for us” as things that are bad and feel bad. So sometimes, we self-sabotage because we want to avoid feeling intense or unpleasant emotions. This avoidance, leads us back to “The Hell We Don’t Know” when there’s a chance we could find a “Heave We Don’t Know” that’s actually better for us. This may be why, for example, if you’ve had a series of “bad” relationships and someone “good” comes along, you may not want it or be afraid of its outcome, even if it’s going to be better for you.
So, to summarize, I think the Self-Sabotage Cycle looks like this:
● Something is contradicting a core belief of ours, and we’re confused about how to process that belief being challenged
● The predictability of “The Hell We Know” is being questioned
● Anxiety of needing familiarity, or “the fear of the unknown,” keeps us from discovering “The Hell OR Heaven We Don’t Know” and makes us retreat back into “The Hell We Know”
Start Overcoming the Self-Sabotage Cycle With a Miami Therapist
Stopping conscious self-sabotage means learning how to “undo” pretty much everything we’ve learned about this cycle - which is why it’s so difficult for people to stop self-sabotaging. If you feel as though you’re getting caught in this Conscious Self-Sabotage Cycle, reach out to Miami Vibes Counseling and schedule an appointment with one of our therapists who can help you discover how to get out of this cycle and start living more authentically. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
Reach out to get matched with a Miami therapist
Get to know our team of caring therapists
Start creating more positive core beliefs!
Other Services Offered with Miami Vibes Counseling Center
Miami Vibes Counseling offers support with a variety of mental health servcies. We are happy to also offer support via anxiety therapy include CBT, ACT, TF-CBT, and parenting support. In addition, we are happy to offer treatment for depression, stress, trauma, grief, and life transitions. Our team is happy to provide support for couples, infidelity, children, and families. Learn more about our other services including ESA letters, support for business or employment stress, spirituality, and online therapy. Visit our blog or FAQs page for more helpful info today!
