The Word “Should” is Problematic
When we reflect on experiences, whether our own or someone else’s circumstances, the word “should” often gets brought into the conversation. And these are just a few phrases I’ve heard in therapy sessions:
“I should have done this. I should have known better.”
“As his parents, we should expect more out of him. He knows better.”
“Shouldn’t I be over the past by now? This happened so long ago.”
However, the word “should” in therapy can be quite problematic, especially when we’re trying to heal and make changes.
This is because the word itself can sometimes create unrealistic expectations – for our own judgment of our actions or the judgment we hold for others’ actions. It essentially says your feelings are wrong – past, present, and future. You should have known better something like that would happen to you in the past. You should change the way you are now. You should somehow know exactly what will happen later on. But we aren’t omniscient beings. It also makes the bold assumption “healing is straightforward and there’s an expiration date to having certain feelings at certain times.” But for anyone who’s been through anything ever, we know this isn’t the case.
A friend of mine once gave great insight into regret and its relation to “should.” She stated, “When we make decisions, we make them based on the knowledge we have at that time and what we feel at that time. When we look back with regret on these situations and make “should” statements, we’re looking back with judgment and shame of ourselves for not knowing the knowledge we have now.”
It’s harder for us to set goals when we are constantly living in shame. This is because shame doesn’t want you to be better or get better. Shame wants to humiliate you and keep you frozen from growing and learning from mistakes.
How to Lessen the Impact of the Word “Should”
Some great tools and skills we can learn from therapy modalities like CBT and ACT are assessing the way we look at automatic thoughts and being able to reframe those automatic thoughts. It is OK if we still think of the word “should” and if our automatic thoughts bring this word back to our minds over and over again. But what doesn’t have to happen, is for us to linger on it and be transported back into a “dunce hat moment.”
Our thoughts can sometimes be so heavy, it can feel like they are things we must automatically believe and automatically follow. To combat this, try replacing the word and phrases of “should” with other less heavy and affirming words or phrases, such as “could,” “may,” “might,” “in the future, I will…,” “What I learned from this past experience was…,” or even “I am the sum of both my wins and mistakes.” When we try to change the way we think about things, we lessen the impact of its meaning to us. Changing the meaning can help us to recognize we can now goal set and strive for better instead of sitting in a confined box of shame.
Begin Virtual Counseling in Miami, FL
If you're struggling with incorporating more positive language into your daily life and conquering worries around setting goals, it's important to remember that progress takes time. At Miami Vibes Counseling Center, we offer both in-person and online therapy services throughout Florida to assist with these challenges. Our compassionate team is here to support you in overcoming any unrealistic expectations you may have. To begin your journey toward growth and healing, follow these three simple steps:
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Other Mental Health Services We Offer in Miami, FL
We offer support for children, adults, parents, and families. Our services include therapy for grief, life transitions, spirituality, trauma, and PTSD. Some of the techniques we use include ACT, CBT, and TF-CBT. All of these services are available both in person and through virtual therapy.
