Why Your Previous New Year’s Resolutions Have Failed and How to Make Realistic Ones
As 2022 comes to a close and 2023 approaches, we often reflect during the holidays on the triumphs and failures of the past year. For many of us, a new year implies a new beginning, a chance to be and do better. Yet there’s always this unspoken pressure of making a New Year’s resolution and then it ultimately fails us. Maybe we give up after about three weeks into the new year. Why does this happen? Any therapist will probably tell you that you must analyze further into this question and understand on a deeper level why you continue to engage in the same potentially self-sabotaging behaviors that keep you from being able to implement lasting positive change. Here are some of the common reasons why people have difficulty with implementing new change:
You don’t understand how previous negative behavior patterns are enabling you to continue in cyclic and habitual behaviors.
It’s easy to get stuck in the “this is just the way things are” mindset or think “I’ve always been like this.” Think about what this means. Even if we are not to blame for our pasts, we have some accountability for the role we play in our own lives currently. There’s a saying out there that goes “Red flags don’t feel like red flags when they feel like home.” Just because we are familiar with putting up with certain behavior and interacting a certain way with others around us doesn’t mean these ways are healthy for us. Until we can learn how to heal from our pasts and understand the role we have played, we won’t be able to move forward and stop the same cycles from continuing in the future.
You are self-sabotaging your own happiness.
People are inherently fear-based creatures. We make decisions based on what will allow us to survive, but this doesn’t always include what will make us thrive. Hence, we may subconsciously be the one person stopping us from obtaining our true happiness. Why is this? Let’s say for example, when you were a child, you experienced a negative event. Then you experienced another similar negative event. And then let’s say two more similar negative events. By the time the 5th scenario rolls around, you subconsciously believe that this event will have the same outcome as the previous 4 events. When we’re constantly living in survival mode, we won’t venture out into new unknown territory if we know for sure where we are now is safe to an extent, even if it’s not good for us. “Why would I risk being in something ‘unknown’ and potentially ‘unsafe’ when I know, even if it’s not good for me, how to handle this situation?” It’s the concept of “The Hell You Know vs. The Hell You Don’t.”
You’re trying to do this by yourself and don’t necessarily support to keep you accountable for sustainable change.
Often the two previous points are hard for us to accept on our own, and most of us, despite our self-awareness, may not come to these conclusions on our own. Sometimes, concepts we know to be true deep down we have trouble admitting to ourselves or we need someone else to say it out loud back to us. As a therapist writing this post, I can say hardships don’t discriminate, and even therapists need help with mental health, too. I didn’t realize this, nor find a healthy way to heal until I finally sought outside support from a therapist and engaged in my own self-reflective personal healing journey.
So how do we make a realistic New Year’s Resolution?
Think about WHY you want to make a resolution in the first place.
Can you recognize something in your life that needs to change? Even if you aren’t necessarily responsible for what has happened to you, can you recognize what power you do have and what you can realistically change? Typically, people tend to make very broad or unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions: resolutions like “I want to lose 50lbs in a month,” “I want to be happier,” or “I want to save money,” are a few that come to mind. But these are difficult to achieve because they are generalizable, hard to measure, and they don’t provide a clear indication as to why it’s important to you.
Use the SMART acronym to help you make realistic goals.
1. Specific – Spell out what you want to accomplish and go into detail (make it an observable action)
2. Measurable – You must know how to measure its achievability, how close you might be to obtaining it, and what success for failure may look like
3. Achievable – Is this goal realistic enough and do you have the skills or ways to work on the skills to achieve this goal?
4. Relevant – Does this goal align with my personal values, and does it help with what I want long term?
5. Time-bound – When does your goal need to be completed? Does it have a limit or time frame?
Know your own strengths and weaknesses when it comes to implementing change.
For many different years, I would always have the New Year’s resolution to “be healthier and exercise more.” This would often be accompanied by the purchase of a contract to a gym I would go to maybe once or twice along with trying to force myself to eat foods I knew I didn’t even like. As you can imagine, by February, I was back to the exact same scenario as before the New Year – eating unhealthy foods and not going to the gym. I was failing myself from the start. Now I know I’m someone who doesn’t like weightlifting or running. It wasn’t until I found Hot Yoga that I realized “This is something I actually like and want to stick with, and this is more realistic for me.”
Here are some helpful questions to use for self-reflection on making realistic resolutions:
If one day you could wake up and say you’re genuinely happy, what does your life look like? And how can you get yourself from where you are now to that?
What do you like and dislike?
What might be easier for you to do? What might be harder? Why?
Reflect on actual “wins” you have had in the past with successful change. What can you recognize are your specific strengths of these wins? What did you do well that made it a win?
You may need outside support.
Reflecting on our past and trying to make change can be hard. Sometimes we need the support of an outside opinion. Goals and wishes are amazing to have – but are simply just that – goals and wishes, unless there’s accountability from someone with our best interests at heart. This may be through giving you adequate tools, space, and support to address what’s causing so much internal conflict. And again, the accountability piece from support such as a therapist helps you point out, in a constructively critical way, what continues to be an obstacle. The New Year can be full of so much hope for the possibility of positive change or for things to stay the same as they are if you’re in a good place. But unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. And sometimes, we need extra help. Contact Miami Vibes today if you need a little extra support in the New Year to help you on your wellness journey!
Reduce Your Stress Symptoms with the Support of A Miami Therapist
Remember that these tips are not meant to replace anxiety treatment such as therapy or medication but are meant to help you feel more in control of establishing and maintaining your daily routines. If you or someone you know is struggling with stress, depression, or anxiety, Miami Vibes Counseling Center can help. Start getting support by following these steps:
Schedule an appointment with one of our anxiety therapists.
Start addressing your stress and anxiety symptoms so you can feel in control again
Other Therapy Services we Offer in Miami
Miami Vibes Counseling Center offers support for children, adults, parents, couples, and families. This includes counseling for grief, life transitions, spirituality, trauma, and PTSD. Some of the techniques we use include ACT therapy, CBT therapy, and TF-CBT. All of these services are available both in person and through online therapy.
También ofrecemos estos servicios de terapia en español.