A Couples Therapist Explains Gottman’s 4 Relationship Horsemen
Perhaps you’ve heard of “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in relation to the Book of Revelations in the New Testament or maybe in some explanation of one of Dr. Gottman’s methods in couple’s therapy. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, from the Book of Revelations, are Conquest, War, Hunger, and Death. It sounds very dramatic, I know; but Dr. Gottman used this type of metaphor to describe different communication styles that can predict the end, or downfall, of a relationship. Let’s take a deeper look into the 4 Relationship Horseman: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.
Criticism
When we’re talking about criticism, there’s one word I want to make sure we bring to attention and address: “you.” Think about the last fight you had with your partner. How many times did you start to criticize behavior and say the word “you” or start the sentence that way? Or how many times did your partner do these things to you? Statements such as “You don’t care. You always do *this*. You’re selfish and irresponsible,” are criticisms. It’s often easy to spot criticisms because they usually contain some of the same things: generalizations and absolutes. An example of generalizations can be roping one negative behavior into meaning other things, such as “You’re just like all the other men out there.” Absolutes are examples of “all or nothing” ways to describe behavior such as “You never listen to me,” or “You’re always overreacting to things!”
Defensiveness
Criticisms, we’ve learned, are used to describe attacks. Defensiveness can be seen as a response to criticism being used. The harshness of the “you” statements often leads us to automatically go into the defense, and we may start to say statements to “defend” our case. Examples of defensiveness are statements such as “Yeah, well, you also do *this* behavior, but I haven’t said anything about it when you do it.” What this does is put “reverse blame” onto the other partner. We start to play a verbal game of “toxic tennis” or “passive-aggressive pickleball” and become pros at tallying up wrongdoings in the relationship. But relationships are supposed to be about team effort, not pitting ourselves against each other.
Contempt
Contempt can be where we are the most brutal in arguments. Contempt often contains elements of criticism and defensiveness as well. The main idea of contempt is the focus of the behavior or body language that we use to try to prove our own superiority in the relationship or to protect our ego. To do this, we may use tactics such as mocking them with sarcasm, being cynical or distrusting of their intentions in the relationship, calling them names, rolling our eyes, sneering or scoffing, mocking them, or using hostile humor. An example of contempt may be “Oh excuse me, you’re tired from working all week? Well, you’re not the only one who works around here. I bet you’re just going to go do something stupid and mindless and neglect me and everything in this house like you always do. You’re literally so pathetic!”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is often seen as a response, often defeated, to contempt. Stonewalling happens when we begin to withdraw or shut down from our partners or avoid them altogether without actually resolving any of the issues. This may look like ourselves or our partners “tuning out” of the conversation, avoiding it by acting busy or pretending it’s not happening, or engaging in unhealthy or destructive behaviors. Stonewalling usually occurs from repeated use of the first three horsemen, criticism, defensiveness, and contempt, and it may be extremely hard to stop due to it becoming an automatic response we may revert to.
Begin Working With a Couples Therapist in Miami, FL
If you feel that your relationship is suffering from any or all of the 4 Relationship Horsemen and you’re interested in finding solutions to better and healthy communication skills in your relationship, reach out to us. Our team will help answer your questions about scheduling a couple’s therapy session with one of our therapists today! Start your therapy journey with Miami Vibes Counseling Center by following these simple steps:
Contact us to schedule a session
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